I have been recording Christmas music since 2005 for some reason.  The songs range from very silly to less silly.  I wrote some of them, and others were written by people that I have never met.

Here you go!  Download the mp3s!  For free!  Have fun!

Also if you scroll down a little bit, I’ve also included the lyrics to the UltraJoeBot originals.  Although the words should be obvious because I’m so good at enunciating.  Obvs.

And hey, you know, if you really *really* like my music, you can send me a Paypal donation to help me buy new guitar strings.  And groceries.

We Wish You a Binary Christmas and a Happy New York (2005):

It all started back in 2005, when UltraWifeBot and I decided on a whim to record a few Christmas songs to share with our friends and family, including a selection from The Nutcracker.  I actually had the idea to do a whole album, but 50-75% of the songs I recorded were garbage and luckily UltraWifeBot convinced me to make it a 5-song EP.  A wise move.

01. Chinese Tea Dance (from The Nutcracker)
02. Snow
03. Do You Hear What I Hear?
04. Lo How a Rose E’er Blooming
05. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

We Wish You a Binary Christmas 2.0 (2006):

We continued the tradition in 2006 with version 2.0, which met considerable critical acclaim.

01. Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy (from The Nutcracker)
02. Coming Home
03. Carol of the Cat
04. Wonderful Christmastime
05. O Holy Night

We Wish You a Binary Christmas 3.0 (2008):

After taking 2007 off to regroup (also giving me a chance to learn how to use my new computer after the old one melted), we came back in 2008 with a newly expanded range of featured contributors, including brobots LukeMoTron and BenDroid 5000 on select tracks.  I decided to write 3 of the 5 songs this time around for some reason.

01. March (from The Nutcracker)
02. Fat Suit
03. NYC/XMAS
04. Christmas Time is Here
05. The Drive Home 12/24

We Wish You a Binary Christmas 4.0 (2009):

For the 2009 collection, I was really down to the wire, finishing mastering during the afternoon of Christmas Eve.  LukeMoTron lent me his guitar skills once again, and even persuaded his girlfriend EllenOMatic to do some singing on Waltz of the Snowflakes.  Although last minute, I think the songs still came out pretty well.

01. Waltz of the Snowflakes (from The Nutcracker)
02. Wish List
03. Christmas Cookies
04. I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In
05. O Come All Ye Faithful

We Wish You a Binary Christmas 5.0 (2010):

2010 presented a new set of challenges with the addition of UltraBabyBot to the mix.  There was very little time to write and record songs since he’s always either (a) making noise, or (b) sleeping in his crib, which is in the same room as my computer.  Still I managed to throw together five new songs, although limited tracking time meant that I had to rely on pitch correction a little more than I might have liked.  I think it’s forgivable though, especially since the 2010 collection also features the first ever UltraBabyBot solo.  LukeMoTron came through with his usual guitar contributions, as well as some phat beatz on Little Drummer Boy.

01. Dance of the Mirlitons (from The Nutcracker)
02. Baby’s First Christmas
03. No
04. Under the Tree
05. Little Drummer Boy

We Wish You a Binary Christmas 6.0 (2011):

For the 2011, I anticipated once again having trouble finding the time to record, so I got started early (October!).  I don’t know that the end result is any better than previous years, but I don’t think it’s any worse anyway.  I had so much fun recording Angels We Have Heard on High, it was like taking a bath in candy or something.  I hope it comes across as fun and not overly irreverent.  Regardless, this year featured the second ever UltraBabyBot solo, along with a couple other popular repeat guest stars, LukeMoTron and UltraWifeBot.

01. Waltz of the Flowers (from The Nutcracker)
02. Yeah
03. Welcome Christmas
04. Angels We Have Heard on High
05. Peace on Earth

LYRICS

Snow (2005)

This tree line goes past car windows
And it’s getting to the point where I can almost feel my toes
And the fire glows on these marshmallows
But she’s nowhere to be found, she’s still outside in her wet clothes
Hoping it snows

The moon will show what we all know
With our eyes turned toward the sky as all the lines of traffic slow
From the ground below, watching snow clouds grow
Til the moment when it starts, our arms stretched out to catch the snow
I hope it snows

Coming Home (2006)

We are coming home for

Present in a bag with my name on the tag
I wonder what could be inside
Don’t open it yet lest you forget
What happens when the rules are defied

We are coming home for

Take a ball of snow, wrap it in a bow
Could not think of anything, dear
Seems you must have missed my lengthy list
Maybe you’ll be more thoughtful next year

We are coming home for
Christmas

Carol of the Cat (2006)

Cricket’s a cat, she likes to scratch
She has gray hair, she has two ears
She likes catnip, she eats cat food
She does cat tricks, we pat her head

She caught a mouse and we threw it out
And it made her sad ’cause it was her friend
She ran and hid behind our new couch
And didn’t come out until dinnertime

Cricket wishes you a merry Christmas

Cricket’s a cat, she likes to smell
She ate my shoe, she runs around
She jumps up high, she likes to knead
She climbs sometimes, we pat her head

We gave her catnip and she liked it
And she ran into things by accident
She ran in circles, rolled on her back
And made funny sounds but she was OK

Cricket wishes you a merry Christmas

Fat Suit (2008)

After years of bad eating habits had taken their toll
My friend Dave finally learned to exhibit some self control
He put himself on a diet and he stuck to it all year
But now he’s got himself another problem from what I hear

At Christmastime, he answers the call
To dress up like Santa and work in the mall
But Dave don’t worry, it’s for the good of us all

I know you’re proud that you lost 30 pounds
And we’re all proud of you too
You showed us all what an overweight guy
With enough determination can do
And although your therapist says
Playing Santa again might be unwise
Put on the fat suit, Dave
It’s Christmas and we love you, whatever your size

My friend Dave’s metabolism’s right up there with his self esteem
He got some new athletic shoes and he joined a rowing team
He’s looking good and he’s feeling good and he’s looking good
But tradition beckons and he wonders if he should

At Christmastime, the pressure is high
To put on a fake beard instead of a tie
But Dave, you’d better not pout, I’m telling you why

I know you’re proud that you lost 30 pounds
And we’re all proud of you too
You showed us all what an overweight guy
With enough determination can do
And although your therapist says
Playing Santa again might be unwise
Put on the fat suit, Dave
It’s Christmas and we love you, whatever your size

NYC/XMAS (2008)

There are crowds gathered outside of Macy’s
Huddled close with their peppermint mochas
34th Street’s standing still, even more than usual

Well it’s finally cold in Manhattan
But there’s actually snow in Brooklyn
Though it probably won’t stay, it definitely won’t stay

I won’t walk across the Brooklyn Bridge in the snow
My feet are cold and my nose is cold
And there are so many more warm places we could go
I miss home but I love it here

Out-of-towners are all hypnotized by
The Rockettes and their synchronized kick lines
But they all become a blur from the upper balcony

And now everyone needs to go skating
Ever since the big Christmas tree lighting
People gladly stand in line to skate to an audience

I won’t window shop in Times Square in the snow
My feet are cold and my nose is cold
And there are so many more warm places we could go
I miss home but I love it here

I won’t wander through Central Park in the snow
My feet are cold and my nose is cold
And there are so many more warm places we could go
The same smell but a different sheen
It’s a somewhat peculiar scene
To see Gotham in red and green
Consumerism interpreted as holiday cheer
At least it comes but one time a year
I miss home but I love it here

The Drive Home 12/24 (2008)

These trees that line this street, their branches bowed
Beneath the weight of falling snow
Blanketing the night, this frozen dark
Enveloping the rows of

Frost-covered windows, lit by a fire’s glow
Flicker and fade in the rear view mirror
On the dark drive home, lulled by the snow tires’ hum
Seems like the heat never works til I’m already home

Back roads snow-blind
Silent except for the beat of the wipers against the windshield
Eyes closed in the back seat
Carried to sleep by the car’s periodic soft turns left and right

Approaching headlights blink out in sheets of snow
As the quiet grows, it’s freezing cold
Despite the layers, despite the heater’s groan
We’re chilled to our bones

Wish List (2009)

I think I’ve told you before
If you don’t make me a list well in advance
You never know

If you could prioritize
The list of items desired, high to low
That too would help
And I need help, you know I do

But you didn’t tell me
No baby you didn’t
Not even the slightest hint at what’s on your list this year

So when you open the box
And it’s not quite what you wanted, know at least
I did my best

And if that isn’t enough
And if you feel disappointed, let’s just say
We’ll learn from this
And we’ll avoid this mess next year

‘Cause you didn’t tell me
No baby you didn’t
Not even the slightest hint at what’s on your list this year
With only my instincts
And no point of reference
I don’t mean to make excuses here, I’m just trying to say

Make a list next year
Make a list next year

I’ll get you whatever you want baby
I’ll get you whatever you want baby
I’ll get you whatever you want
Just make me a list

Christmas Cookies (2009)

Toffee
Lemon bars
Gingerbread men
Coconut macaroons
Molasses crinkles
Peppermint snowballs
Rice krispy peanut butter bars
Gingersnaps
Almond truffles

Butterscotch brownies
Oatmeal fudge bars
Mint chocolate pinwheels
Eggnog snickerdoodles
Maple fudge
Raspberry rugelach
Chocolate chip blondies
Buckeyes
Peppermint bark

Mocha cheesecake squares
Meringue glazed caramel cinnamon bars
Popcorn balls
Pumpkin roll
And those tasty peanut butter cookies that have a Hershey’s kiss in the middle

Baby’s First Christmas (2010)

I’ll try to explain this in terms you’ll understand
I know it’s weird, I know it’s weird
But on an annual basis

We decorate a tree
And sometimes sit on Santa’s knee at the mall
You don’t know him yet, but he’s great
So tell me, what do you think

Believe me, I’m with you, I know how this must sound
A bit bizarre, it’s so bizarre
But toward the end of December

We hang up mistletoe
And we build men made out of snow on the lawn
I can’t do it justice but hey
Just tell me, what do you think

I’ve got to tell you, your reaction leaves much to interpretation
Reading your blank facial expression, it’s difficult to know what you think
But when you’re older, trust me, you will love it too

It doesn’t make sense but it’s rad
So tell me, what do you think

No (2010)

UltraWifeBot:
I feel I have to tell you, the things you want for Christmas are
Just a little unreasonable, unfeasible, inconceivable
So could you please submit your revised list to me
At your earliest convenience, at your earliest convenience

UltraJoeBot:
I’ve given this a lot of thought and the thing I want the most is as follows:
Just an egg, an egg that will hatch
That will hatch into a dragon, a dragon that breathes blue fire

UltraJoeBot: I know you’re gonna say
UltraWifeBot: You know I’m gonna say
Both: No, no
UltraJoeBot: Everything on my list
UltraWifeBot: You already know
Both: The answer’s no, always no

UltraWifeBot:
I regret to inform you, the things you want for Christmas are
Just a little insurmountable, unworkable, unattainable
So could you please take a more sensible approach
To your list-making endeavor, to your list-making endeavor

UltraJoeBot:
I’ve given this a lot of thought and the thing I want the most is as follows:
Just a chip, a processor chip
In the brain of my own robot, a robot with optic lasers

UltraJoeBot: I know you’re gonna say
UltraWifeBot: You know I’m gonna say
Both: No, no
UltraJoeBot: Everything on my list
UltraWifeBot: You already know
Both: The answer’s no, always no

Under the Tree (2010)

As I suffer through this bus ride to the airport
I’m just hoping that my flight home is on time
But it’s silly to worry about
Just keep breathing in and breathing out
‘Cause I know that even if my flight’s delayed

I’ll be home soon
Yes I’ll be home

Under the tree waiting for me
Is a present with my name on it
And even if it’s not exactly what I wanted
Christmas is still gonna be pretty cool
Yeah Christmas is still gonna be pretty cool

As this plane lifts off the runway at Laguardia
I just hope my ride is waiting in Burlington
But it’s silly to worry about
Just keep breathing in and breathing out
‘Cause I know that even if my dad fell asleep

I’ll be home soon
Yes I’ll be home

Under the tree waiting for me
Is a present with my name on it
And even if it’s not exactly what I wanted
Christmas is still gonna be pretty cool
Yeah Christmas is still gonna be pretty cool

As I ride home in the back of my dad’s Subaru
I’m just hoping I remembered all the presents
But it’s silly to worry about
Just keep breathing in and breathing out
‘Cause I know that even if I have to do some last minute shopping

I’ll be home soon
Yes I’ll be home

Under the tree waiting for me
Is a present with my name on it
And even if it’s not the Buffy the Vampire Slayer boxset I asked for
Christmas is still gonna be pretty cool
Yeah Christmas is still gonna be pretty cool

I’ll be home soon
Yes I’ll be home soon
I’ll be home soon
Yes I’ll be home

Yeah (2011)

Do you want a pony you can ride, ride, ride
Til morning light? (yeah)
Or a parachute so you can glide, glide, glide
From a great height? (yeah)

Do you want a trampoline? (yeah)
Or maybe a dinosaur? (yeah)
OK that one might be just a little difficult

Do you really want all that stuff you’re telling me
Or is it just your limited vocabulary
I’m not gonna question your sincerity
But you don’t know many words yet

‘Cause you’re not even two
And you’re just saying “yeah” to everything
So would it be all right if I just gave you a song to sing

Whoa oh oh oh oh

Do you want an oven you can bake, bake, bake
A pie to eat? (yeah)
Or a tambourine that you can shake, shake, shake
And keep the beat? (yeah)

Do you want a mandolin? (yeah)
Or maybe some super powers? (yeah)
OK that one might be just a little impossible

So is that everything on your Christmas list
Or is there anything that I might have missed
Did you write it yourself or did someone assist
‘Cause you don’t know many words yet

‘Cause you’re not even two
And there’s a chance that I might have heard you wrong
So would it be all right if I just wrote you a Christmas song

Whoa oh oh oh oh

I hope, I hope this is enough
I hope, I hope this is enough
Let your grandparents worry about the expensive stuff (yeah)

Peace on Earth (2011)

Maybe next year

I will accept when things do not work out as planned
I will not fear that which I do not understand
I will put faith in a clear head and steady hand

And there will be
Peace on earth

Maybe next year

I will create, I will author, I will compose
I will be patient and calm when disquiet grows
I will make open my heart til it overflows

And there will be
Peace on earth